what happens now...?

there are always connotations and human emotion and those always complicate everything for better or for worse

i am a fool...

but a hopeful one

so last night at dinner, everything was going perfectly well until my dad brings up an issue that has not passed my mind for the past month or so-- when i was painting some canvases for 13 o'clock theater. he asks me random questions and then suddenly comes to the conclusion that i was insulted... o.o? ...wait what? im sorry i dont see the logic in it. we're all young and hardly any of us have the same thinking process as my father (though i can guess more or less what he would think of an issue) id rather think that people are people and my first guess wouldnt be to assume someone would want to insult me. i highly doubt thats their first goal in mind. id rather think the best of people rather than think they are trying to wrong me in some way. if i were to follow my dad's thinking, i can understand why he's so harsh and critical of others-- hard in opinion and tough to crack; no one is good enough. but to judge my friends? we're young, we're still kinda stupid. we do things without a second thought, let alone with ulterior motives. i really dont like that type of thinking because instead of building people up, youre just tearing them down and casting so many unfounded doubts that shouldnt be there in the first place (i bear testimony to that). in conclusion: youd be less happier thinking that way and having that mindset. if that were the case, you'd see everything as an insult and criticize everyone because of it. just being more and more unhappier when seeing 'the truth'

and i am NOT easy! i never felt insulted by my friends. i resent that notion. at least i have faith in people even if they dont have faith in me. id rather choose to live trusting people and believing the best in them rather than trying to find flaws and read too much into things that dont need to be scrutinized or shouldnt be in the first place. simplicity makes people a lot happier. i dont want to end up thinking like my dad even if i do understand it. its not rational or logical though. :/

• you really dont know a person until you see the extent of their anger -- mark goulston
• we cant all see the future, and we cant know what will be asked of us
• i believe in deeds not words
• guys are so weird. sometimes they seem as if they were really into you, and other times they act as if they couldnt care less
• doing nothing will be hard, but its often the best way
• it does no good to brood about what might come [i really should practice this advice]
• everyone hears what you say. friends listen to what you say. best friends listen to what you dont say
• a teardrop is insignificant in a pool of water, but it can touch the soul as it runs down someones face
• some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes its letting go [another piece of advice i should take to heart... :/ ]
• the things people do to each other, they remember. and if they stay together, its not because they forget, its because they forgive

::sigh:: :/

im tired and irritable i dont want to do anything. leave me aloooooooone. im cranky. my door is closed. dont interrupt me, its rude

im a bit disheartened ::sigh::

i cant get a break anywhere! fuck it all, this sucks. i dunno if i can even keep things together for the up-coming retreat. im trying to hold on as best as i can to trying to come close to being at peace. goddammit! i dont know if i can keep up with all of it. im trying to make everything right and it just blows up in my face. i dont know why i keep trying to hard when i know that most likely disappointment will be the only outcome. :[
i cant see my friends and some of them i cant really talk to and then theres news about joseph's family. im caught up with so many things at church that i cant take time to see my friends and then when the opportunity comes my parents have to be so uptight and sensitive taking everything so personally. that invitations dont mean anything. arghhhh! X[
i cant sleep right anymore and im tired throughout the day. i cant really keep much focus. :[
and i got a phone call from spacey and he seemed so cheerful and everything. i envied him for it. and he asked if anything was up and i was so tempted to spill everything but i was afraid of crying...
::sigh:: i wish i could have someone to talk to...about everything...and i need to get it off my chest because its weighing me down so much. im heartsick and so saddened :[

been really happy and so into what im doing X] more to come later!! :D

and still running pretty normally :] need to go to sleep earlier though..theres no more monster around the house... :/
went to a retreat this morning and turns out that google maps cant always be relied on -.- boooo i ended up overshooting my destination so horribly but whatever, got there so thats the important thing. went by pretty quickly and it was pretty good i think. just need to finish up skits and other miscellaneous stuffs.
kev, mel and the rest of the fam went back to cali yesterday :/ i wish they had stayed a bit longer...but hopefully i can see them all again in september for the wedding. currently wanting to read my book of secrets with a blanket ::sigh:: guess i have to wait for it ::thinking::

for the next couple of days hopefully  they'll be really fun cuz no mom or dad to nag endlessly. mel and kev are in town and its great to see them. been pretty fun so far :] still gots a lot of things to do though before they go back to cali. unfortunately the only things around mcallen to do are kinda lame and as far as i know its a lot of food stuffs :p like whataburger and kahn's grill and euro gelato. mel also wants to go to chili's and sonic so i guess we'll see how that goes. already went to the outlets and the island dunno about the park...but its soooo pretty especially at night :]

took the pcat and it wasnt too bad considering it was my first time. next one is in august so hopefully i'll do better than this one...but i wont find out until 6 more weeks.... :x

been thinking a lot..nothing bad just a lot of thinking about the future a lot...a bit unavoidable since thats the main topic of discussion when it comes to relatives. definitely causes some reflection on the present... and it looks like 'he's just not that into you' will have to wait. oh wells.. ::sigh:: so busy... need to deal with ald and the retreat... :/ and catch up on sleep

yet. hopefully i dont psych myself out in a couple of hours..i really should be sleeping but i guess its a bit difficult sharing a room with 3 other girls and ones working 2 hours behind in cali time. so for the most part i skipped out on the mall and a few other things but eh thats alright i think. spent it studying..apparently too much cuz i failed to understand the concept of a carpeted ice rink in odessa...which..there is nothing to get...in the first place... :/
i recovered my music!! :D
pcat in a couple of hours....ugh, now for an attempt at sleep...

ok i hate lectures. especially if i dont find it very interesting or remotely eye-opening and i resent it more so when youre forcing stuff onto me; constantly drilling and repeating it over and over, just basically killing that repeated said subject until i just want to tune it out and avoid it at all costs. im the type of person who just doesnt like it when that happens; if you keep pushing me and nagging over and over, all i will do is just resent it more and more, leaving very little appreciation left over-- for both the subject at hand and the person delivering said lecture -.-.
yes i get it that theres pride and a sense of accomplishment but theres no need to keep harping about it while im around. if you want to sing your praises, do it to people who want to hear it (im not included, ive heard enough). im already aware of my responsibilities, i know what i have to do; constant reminders not needed. and while i may do things for seemingly one reason, there will always be other reasons for doing the things i do--

all i wish is for people to do is just listen. holding on stubbornly to your own ideas and being so closed-minded isnt helpful.
im so glad i get to go out tonight; its very welcoming and i hope its far more enjoyable than my evening yesterday

scribblings 21

• to suffer is the only way to see beneath the surface sometimes to the truth below
• 'when caught beetween two evils, i generally take the one i never tried' --mae west
• 'be ready to offer all the passionate loyalty of which who have been given another chance, when one believed the last was gone' --seer and the sword
• a friendship is one reward that is priceless
• 'loving someone requires a leap of faith, and a soft landing is never guaranteed' --this lullaby
• i believe in deeds not words
• 'guys are so weird. sometimes they seem as if they were really into you, and othertimes they act as if they couldnt care less' --so little time
• doing nothing will be hard, but its often the best way
• a face may change over time, but the heart will always remain the same
• rory: i feel like such and idiot! that was totally moronic!                                                                                                                               lorelai: well, get used to it kiddo, because when it comes  to the heart, everything comes out in moron

is a pround failing :p it bugs me when people talk about stuff they dont know. ugh. and treating people poorly does not speak highly of you either. ::grumble:: whatever ::sigh:: been watching a lot of bones lately and its not so much im focusing on the anatomy and such, but booth fascinates me at the moment. not quite sure if its cuz hes catholic and his thinking process intrigues me when he gets into a debate with bones... i noticed lately that im wishing i had various characters as my friends-- like booth and justin long...id like angela [from bones] tooooo :]

pcat in a week! >.<

but fun first this friday! :D

ok so not the best day so far but i guess it happens. im just not appreciative of people yelling at me with no provocation. im also really tired and worn out from hearing about hiding and lying about things. im not a walking recorder that documents every absolute detail so forgive me if my memory isnt pristine. ::sigh:: so that was followed by a paternal lecture that was too lengthy for my taste. honestly, if youre going to make a point about something, dont dance around the subject or try to lead me where i cant follow your train of thought. spit it out and save time and confusion. bleh. i cant wait to have this over and done with; i want to be in charge of my own life, make my own mistakes and be happy with what ive become.

gotta love irony... :p

scribblings 20

• real girls arent perfect and perfect girls arent real
• giving up doesnt always mean you are weak. it just means you are strong enough to let go
• give them what they expect because when you give people what they expect, they dont look any deeper to try and find the real you. if no one ever got close enough to the real you, they dont have the power to hurt you
• "a crumbling illusion is a frightening thing. it frees some. it buries and suffocates others. and the cruelest thing is, we never know which we shall be: the one riding to freedom or the ones gasping for breath" -- scribbler of dreams
• "some of us get dipped in flat, some in satin, some in gloss but everyonce in a while you find someone who's irridescent and when you do, nothing will ever compare" -- flipped
• some things can be so much more than the parts it took to make them
• "you do what you can do, but some things you cant change" -- sharing sam
• "and what if it doesnt work out in the end? what if you try and you end up failing? why do it then? because you have to try" -- sharing sam
• falling in love is a massive pain
• why are people afraid to trust? some things in life can only be learned through trust. for some, trusting is a long journey

.....this day is riddled with coincidences -.- its not even funny :p

::jumps up and down:: hooray for macbook! :D

i think its funny that ive been so impatient all this time for it and im waiting a couple more hours before i open it...haaaaaaa

everything seems to be coming in together nicely even though its been kinda ehhh lately. im looking forward to thursday :) dinner mmmm

gotta study and register for more tests...ew :p

while cleaning :/ i have way too much time on my hands...and the brain is working overtime which isnt that great :/ overthinking can be and is very dangerous :p
need to study for my pcat test in less than a month, find a job, get more sleep, see more friends and wait for things and see how it all turns out. ::sigh::
lappy is officially dead and waiting on the one coming in so that should be exciting.

yea so summer is doing pretty good so far, still need to find a job but i like how things are turning out :D i got to demolish my room and turn it into a very big mess. ha. waiting on new furniture. planning on hanging out with kyu, and then on tuesday euro gelato with the girls :] and wednesday is just chilling and waiting :D ahhh i cant wait! :D

tomorrow i have to organize everything over again, but its cool since im already on a cleaning frenzy anyway :] im happy and i love singing this song :D

just got back from a day at the beach today and it was pretty fun. it was nice to get away for a while and just be like a kid again :]
even though i was really tired i still enjoyed myself ha. watched movies and the big bang theory, hung out at the house, went to the beach for 4 hours where we buried pinky, climbed up on  a washed up buoy, built trenches, jumped waves and had mud slinging battles. and ended it by going to amberjacks. im looking forward to next week :]

im running on a sleep deficit lol

i need to find a job....bleah, i'll worry about it later. i also have to take the pcat in about a month... :p but at least i got A's for bio, a&p and organic chem :D

afjdskl;aghrirp  -.- this is great singing at the top of your lungs

i dont want to deal with it anymore

• sometimes the deepest impression on your heart can be made by the lightest touch
• forever is not a word but rather a place where two people go when true love takes them there
• love doesnt make the world go round, its what makes the ride worthwhile
• a kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous -- ingrid bergman
• mystery is not the denial of reason but its honest confirmation: reason, indeed, leads inevitable to mystery...mystery and reality are the two halves of the same sphere -- walt whitman
• in three words i can sum up everything ive learned about life: it goes on -- robert frost
• the stairs to heaven arent taht hard to find, even after you've lost them. its walking up those song of bitch steps that make it difficult [i think the credit goes to kathryn]
• things of quality have no fear of time
• i know im not perfect, i know im not gorgeous so deal with it. because i do-- every day [again from kathryn :]]
• my love for you can be modeled by the following equation:

it seems as if everything is burning out; first it was the router and now its sam. who's next!? :p better not be me..at least not until another 3 hours. i did awesome on my organic chem test!!! (or so i believe! yeaaa!!!!) bleah need to go buy diapers. oh and awesome house episode last night ^-^

and thank you janet, you made my day, i couldnt stop laughing lol :)

so the concert was awesome, ok go was excellent as expected and dashboard was so fun to watch. im so glad i went and i love my camera!! <3 got to stay out late and spent a saturday night out with friends and just having fun. haha i wish that it rained during one of the songs and it wouldve been perfect, plus a thing or two :]
this past sunday was the last one with the munchkins and its been such an awesome year with them; granted most of them will return for the summer and i cant wait and others we will definitely not forget (lol beto on my shirt to prove it). im so content right now and yesterday while i was sitting in the pews just thinking about stuff, i experienced such a calm sense of self and it was really really great. no worries and just felt so peaceful. :)
now i need to study for organic and a&p :p i really dont want to....and i have other stuff to think about which i find a bit more fascinating than cyclohexane :/ im pretty sure everything will turn out great but its just really...kinda haphazardous. i kinda want to talk about it and yet dont and just want to observe and see what happens. but definitely no worries :] ahhh i cant wait for this weekend: skating with a couple of friends and unwind before the finals :] and im really looking forward to the end of may :D life is... :)

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in, winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye

And roped me in
So mesmerizing
So hypnotizing
I am captivated
I am

{Chorus}
Vindicated
I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am
Flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so
Isolated so
Motivated
I am
Certain now that I am

{Chorus}

So turn
up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment for forever

Defense is paper thin
Just
One touch and I'll be in
Too
Deep now to ever swim
Against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away

{Chorus}

My hope
dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption...