what happens now...?

there is no such thing as objectivity

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 20:28:22 GMT

there are always connotations and human emotion and those always complicate everything for better or for worse

i am a fool...

but a hopeful one

observation

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 19:14:20 GMT

so last night at dinner, everything was going perfectly well until my dad brings up an issue that has not passed my mind for the past month or so-- when i was painting some canvases for 13 o'clock theater. he asks me random questions and then suddenly comes to the conclusion that i was insulted... o.o? ...wait what? im sorry i dont see the logic in it. we're all young and hardly any of us have the same thinking process as my father (though i can guess more or less what he would think of an issue) id rather think that people are people and my first guess wouldnt be to assume someone would want to insult me. i highly doubt thats their first goal in mind. id rather think the best of people rather than think they are trying to wrong me in some way. if i were to follow my dad's thinking, i can understand why he's so harsh and critical of others-- hard in opinion and tough to crack; no one is good enough. but to judge my friends? we're young, we're still kinda stupid. we do things without a second thought, let alone with ulterior motives. i really dont like that type of thinking because instead of building people up, youre just tearing them down and casting so many unfounded doubts that shouldnt be there in the first place (i bear testimony to that). in conclusion: youd be less happier thinking that way and having that mindset. if that were the case, you'd see everything as an insult and criticize everyone because of it. just being more and more unhappier when seeing 'the truth'

and i am NOT easy! i never felt insulted by my friends. i resent that notion. at least i have faith in people even if they dont have faith in me. id rather choose to live trusting people and believing the best in them rather than trying to find flaws and read too much into things that dont need to be scrutinized or shouldnt be in the first place. simplicity makes people a lot happier. i dont want to end up thinking like my dad even if i do understand it. its not rational or logical though. :/

scribblings 21 [its been a while]

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 06:00:54 GMT

you really dont know a person until you see the extent of their anger -- mark goulston
we cant all see the future, and we cant know what will be asked of us
i believe in deeds not words
guys are so weird. sometimes they seem as if they were really into you, and other times they act as if they couldnt care less
doing nothing will be hard, but its often the best way
it does no good to brood about what might come [i really should practice this advice]
everyone hears what you say. friends listen to what you say. best friends listen to what you dont say
a teardrop is insignificant in a pool of water, but it can touch the soul as it runs down someones face
some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes its letting go [another piece of advice i should take to heart... :/ ]
the things people do to each other, they remember. and if they stay together, its not because they forget, its because they forgive

::sigh:: :/

frankly

Sun, 26 Jul 2009 21:06:17 GMT

im tired and irritable i dont want to do anything. leave me aloooooooone. im cranky. my door is closed. dont interrupt me, its rude

im a bit disheartened ::sigh::

my god!

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 02:37:09 GMT

i cant get a break anywhere! fuck it all, this sucks. i dunno if i can even keep things together for the up-coming retreat. im trying to hold on as best as i can to trying to come close to being at peace. goddammit! i dont know if i can keep up with all of it. im trying to make everything right and it just blows up in my face. i dont know why i keep trying to hard when i know that most likely disappointment will be the only outcome. :[
i cant see my friends and some of them i cant really talk to and then theres news about joseph's family. im caught up with so many things at church that i cant take time to see my friends and then when the opportunity comes my parents have to be so uptight and sensitive taking everything so personally. that invitations dont mean anything. arghhhh! X[
i cant sleep right anymore and im tired throughout the day. i cant really keep much focus. :[
and i got a phone call from spacey and he seemed so cheerful and everything. i envied him for it. and he asked if anything was up and i was so tempted to spill everything but i was afraid of crying...
::sigh:: i wish i could have someone to talk to...about everything...and i need to get it off my chest because its weighing me down so much. im heartsick and so saddened :[

art high :D

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 05:23:28 GMT

been really happy and so into what im doing X] more to come later!! :D

1.5 hours of sleep and a monster

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 02:59:42 GMT

and still running pretty normally :] need to go to sleep earlier though..theres no more monster around the house... :/
went to a retreat this morning and turns out that google maps cant always be relied on -.- boooo i ended up overshooting my destination so horribly but whatever, got there so thats the important thing. went by pretty quickly and it was pretty good i think. just need to finish up skits and other miscellaneous stuffs.
kev, mel and the rest of the fam went back to cali yesterday :/ i wish they had stayed a bit longer...but hopefully i can see them all again in september for the wedding. currently wanting to read my book of secrets with a blanket ::sigh:: guess i have to wait for it ::thinking::

in houston

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 06:10:47 GMT

for the next couple of days hopefully they'll be really fun cuz no mom or dad to nag endlessly. mel and kev are in town and its great to see them. been pretty fun so far :] still gots a lot of things to do though before they go back to cali. unfortunately the only things around mcallen to do are kinda lame and as far as i know its a lot of food stuffs :p like whataburger and kahn's grill and euro gelato. mel also wants to go to chili's and sonic so i guess we'll see how that goes. already went to the outlets and the island dunno about the park...but its soooo pretty especially at night :]

took the pcat and it wasnt too bad considering it was my first time. next one is in august so hopefully i'll do better than this one...but i wont find out until 6 more weeks.... :x

been thinking a lot..nothing bad just a lot of thinking about the future a lot...a bit unavoidable since thats the main topic of discussion when it comes to relatives. definitely causes some reflection on the present... and it looks like 'he's just not that into you' will have to wait. oh wells.. ::sigh:: so busy... need to deal with ald and the retreat... :/ and catch up on sleep

panic hasnt set in..

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 05:34:37 GMT

yet. hopefully i dont psych myself out in a couple of hours..i really should be sleeping but i guess its a bit difficult sharing a room with 3 other girls and ones working 2 hours behind in cali time. so for the most part i skipped out on the mall and a few other things but eh thats alright i think. spent it studying..apparently too much cuz i failed to understand the concept of a carpeted ice rink in odessa...which..there is nothing to get...in the first place... :/
i recovered my music!! :D
pcat in a couple of hours....ugh, now for an attempt at sleep...

lectures not wanted

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 21:27:31 GMT

ok i hate lectures. especially if i dont find it very interesting or remotely eye-opening and i resent it more so when youre forcing stuff onto me; constantly drilling and repeating it over and over, just basically killing that repeated said subject until i just want to tune it out and avoid it at all costs. im the type of person who just doesnt like it when that happens; if you keep pushing me and nagging over and over, all i will do is just resent it more and more, leaving very little appreciation left over-- for both the subject at hand and the person delivering said lecture -.-.
yes i get it that theres pride and a sense of accomplishment but theres no need to keep harping about it while im around. if you want to sing your praises, do it to people who want to hear it (im not included, ive heard enough). im already aware of my responsibilities, i know what i have to do; constant reminders not needed. and while i may do things for seemingly one reason, there will always be other reasons for doing the things i do--

all i wish is for people to do is just listen. holding on stubbornly to your own ideas and being so closed-minded isnt helpful.
im so glad i get to go out tonight; its very welcoming and i hope its far more enjoyable than my evening yesterday

scribblings 21

to suffer is the only way to see beneath the surface sometimes to the truth below
'when caught beetween two evils, i generally take the one i never tried' --mae west
'be ready to offer all the passionate loyalty of which who have been given another chance, when one believed the last was gone' --seer and the sword
a friendship is one reward that is priceless
'loving someone requires a leap of faith, and a soft landing is never guaranteed' --this lullaby
i believe in deeds not words
'guys are so weird. sometimes they seem as if they were really into you, and othertimes they act as if they couldnt care less' --so little time
doing nothing will be hard, but its often the best way
a face may change over time, but the heart will always remain the same
rory: i feel like such and idiot! that was totally moronic! lorelai: well, get used to it kiddo, because when it comes to the heart, everything comes out in moron

ignorance

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 05:53:15 GMT

is a pround failing :p it bugs me when people talk about stuff they dont know. ugh. and treating people poorly does not speak highly of you either. ::grumble:: whatever ::sigh:: been watching a lot of bones lately and its not so much im focusing on the anatomy and such, but booth fascinates me at the moment. not quite sure if its cuz hes catholic and his thinking process intrigues me when he gets into a debate with bones... i noticed lately that im wishing i had various characters as my friends-- like booth and justin long...id like angela [from bones] tooooo :]

pcat in a week! >.<

but fun first this friday! :D

::sigh:: =_=

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 04:13:56 GMT

ok so not the best day so far but i guess it happens. im just not appreciative of people yelling at me with no provocation. im also really tired and worn out from hearing about hiding and lying about things. im not a walking recorder that documents every absolute detail so forgive me if my memory isnt pristine. ::sigh:: so that was followed by a paternal lecture that was too lengthy for my taste. honestly, if youre going to make a point about something, dont dance around the subject or try to lead me where i cant follow your train of thought. spit it out and save time and confusion. bleh. i cant wait to have this over and done with; i want to be in charge of my own life, make my own mistakes and be happy with what ive become.

gotta love irony... :p

scribblings 20

real girls arent perfect and perfect girls arent real
giving up doesnt always mean you are weak. it just means you are strong enough to let go
give them what they expect because when you give people what they expect, they dont look any deeper to try and find the real you. if no one ever got close enough to the real you, they dont have the power to hurt you
"a crumbling illusion is a frightening thing. it frees some. it buries and suffocates others. and the cruelest thing is, we never know which we shall be: the one riding to freedom or the ones gasping for breath" -- scribbler of dreams
"some of us get dipped in flat, some in satin, some in gloss but everyonce in a while you find someone who's irridescent and when you do, nothing will ever compare" -- flipped
some things can be so much more than the parts it took to make them
"you do what you can do, but some things you cant change" -- sharing sam
"and what if it doesnt work out in the end? what if you try and you end up failing? why do it then? because you have to try" -- sharing sam
falling in love is a massive pain
why are people afraid to trust? some things in life can only be learned through trust. for some, trusting is a long journey

.....this day is riddled with coincidences -.- its not even funny :p

it's in!!!

Wed, 27 May 2009 18:44:03 GMT

::jumps up and down:: hooray for macbook! :D

i think its funny that ive been so impatient all this time for it and im waiting a couple more hours before i open it...haaaaaaa

everything seems to be coming in together nicely even though its been kinda ehhh lately. im looking forward to thursday :) dinner mmmm

gotta study and register for more tests...ew :p

lots of thinking

Fri, 22 May 2009 18:45:01 GMT

while cleaning :/ i have way too much time on my hands...and the brain is working overtime which isnt that great :/ overthinking can be and is very dangerous :p
need to study for my pcat test in less than a month, find a job, get more sleep, see more friends and wait for things and see how it all turns out. ::sigh::
lappy is officially dead and waiting on the one coming in so that should be exciting.

youre everything! :D <3

Sat, 16 May 2009 04:09:18 GMT

yea so summer is doing pretty good so far, still need to find a job but i like how things are turning out :D i got to demolish my room and turn it into a very big mess. ha. waiting on new furniture. planning on hanging out with kyu, and then on tuesday euro gelato with the girls :] and wednesday is just chilling and waiting :D ahhh i cant wait! :D

tomorrow i have to organize everything over again, but its cool since im already on a cleaning frenzy anyway :] im happy and i love singing this song :D

funnns :D

Tue, 12 May 2009 02:58:23 GMT

just got back from a day at the beach today and it was pretty fun. it was nice to get away for a while and just be like a kid again :]
even though i was really tired i still enjoyed myself ha. watched movies and the big bang theory, hung out at the house, went to the beach for 4 hours where we buried pinky, climbed up on a washed up buoy, built trenches, jumped waves and had mud slinging battles. and ended it by going to amberjacks. im looking forward to next week :]

im running on a sleep deficit lol

i need to find a job....bleah, i'll worry about it later. i also have to take the pcat in about a month... :p but at least i got A's for bio, a&p and organic chem :D

frustration

Tue, 05 May 2009 16:46:39 GMT

afjdskl;aghrirp -.- this is great singing at the top of your lungs

i dont want to deal with it anymore

scribblings 19

Fri, 01 May 2009 18:32:19 GMT

sometimes the deepest impression on your heart can be made by the lightest touch
forever is not a word but rather a place where two people go when true love takes them there
love doesnt make the world go round, its what makes the ride worthwhile
a kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous -- ingrid bergman
mystery is not the denial of reason but its honest confirmation: reason, indeed, leads inevitable to mystery...mystery and reality are the two halves of the same sphere -- walt whitman
in three words i can sum up everything ive learned about life: it goes on -- robert frost
the stairs to heaven arent taht hard to find, even after you've lost them. its walking up those song of bitch steps that make it difficult [i think the credit goes to kathryn]
things of quality have no fear of time
i know im not perfect, i know im not gorgeous so deal with it. because i do-- every day [again from kathryn :]]
my love for you can be modeled by the following equation:

[limit as x--> infinity] - [1/x] = 0 .......ah shit, bad example...

so a recap of the weeks' events: lost the internet [which we got back last night] and the car's battery burnt out but its ok now. went with jc to pick up pizza for a party in biology (which had us reminisce about parties in elementary) lots of food. cheesy poofs!. went diaper shopping and ended up looking like an irresponsible teenager who's trying to buy every last package of parents' choice diapers. i think polygamy was also seen given that there was one guy and a pair of twins ha. played with the baby birds and was super clumsy i scalded myself with hot boiling water (so painful >.<) and then went to an end of the year meeting at school and got more pizza. went to a banquet last night which was really nice. i expected the president to be there but turns out he was mia...again which i shouldnt be surprised at anyway ::shrug:: instead i got to have dinner with josue and pete and dolores which was really nice. got to know pete a bit more and was invited to his party next week and josue won an award (student leader of the year). i got caught up with sami and ended the night watching criminal minds and currently waiting on watching bones. :) and slept in..oh so good!!! i wish i could go to the pharm social tonight though.. :/ oh wells. still good :]

burn out!

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 17:16:24 GMT

it seems as if everything is burning out; first it was the router and now its sam. who's next!? :p better not be me..at least not until another 3 hours. i did awesome on my organic chem test!!! (or so i believe! yeaaa!!!!) bleah need to go buy diapers. oh and awesome house episode last night ^-^

and thank you janet, you made my day, i couldnt stop laughing lol :)

:)

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 21:55:19 GMT

so the concert was awesome, ok go was excellent as expected and dashboard was so fun to watch. im so glad i went and i love my camera!! <3 got to stay out late and spent a saturday night out with friends and just having fun. haha i wish that it rained during one of the songs and it wouldve been perfect, plus a thing or two :]
this past sunday was the last one with the munchkins and its been such an awesome year with them; granted most of them will return for the summer and i cant wait and others we will definitely not forget (lol beto on my shirt to prove it). im so content right now and yesterday while i was sitting in the pews just thinking about stuff, i experienced such a calm sense of self and it was really really great. no worries and just felt so peaceful. :)
now i need to study for organic and a&p :p i really dont want to....and i have other stuff to think about which i find a bit more fascinating than cyclohexane :/ im pretty sure everything will turn out great but its just really...kinda haphazardous. i kinda want to talk about it and yet dont and just want to observe and see what happens. but definitely no worries :] ahhh i cant wait for this weekend: skating with a couple of friends and unwind before the finals :] and im really looking forward to the end of may :D life is... :)

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in, winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye

And roped me in
So mesmerizing
So hypnotizing
I am captivated
I am

{Chorus}
Vindicated
I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am
Flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so
Isolated so
Motivated
I am
Certain now that I am

{Chorus}

So turn
up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment for forever

Defense is paper thin
Just
One touch and I'll be in
Too
Deep now to ever swim
Against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away

{Chorus}

My hope
dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption...

awesome :D

Sat, 25 Apr 2009 06:43:17 GMT

today was great, started off really well, slept in for an extra 2 hours at school and saw the new episode of house which made me happy. laughed a lot while watching manswers and learned alot. too bad i was enjoying myself i forgot about my a&p quiz ha. oh wells. just need to study somre more for a&p and organic chem :p bleh
dashboard confessional concert tonight! and im super excited :D!! i cant wait! XD

so lethargic

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 15:35:42 GMT

too apathetic and moody and i seem to have lost my drive and initiative to do anything :/ as of lately i just sit at the computer, stumble and think. and lately theres been stuff that needs lots of thinking about...i think
i dont think this is a good thing [the apathetic stuff] but then again, it sometimes doesnt hurt to be passive, but we'll see how long that lasts.. >.>... not long im betting
anywho, the trip to houston and thewedding was alright. on the way there it was raining a lot and saw a car drive off the road. had the viet ceremony first, lots of food. service was pretty and by the time it got to the reception it was somewhat disorganized near the end but no one particularly seemed to mind. had the typpical asian wedding food and went to sleep early all weekend. studied some in the car but turned out the bio lab was not too bad. almost done with all the tests and finals for this week. have a dinner to go to also and there are 2 more tests next week and a banquet and after that, dead days! should be fun, im looking forward to sleeping in and going skating..sort of..i wouldve preferred bowling. i wonder what i will be doing with all my time...probably sleep or read...

::reminices::

busy busy busy

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 16:06:10 GMT

meh just woke up from sleeping at school :p ok so this one is gonna be quick. gonna go on a road trip to houston for a wedding and then drive back, during which i have to study for 3 tests :p lovely. hmmm what else, so bones has been showing really often this week so that makes me pretty happy :]
so the officers' meeting went well although david took more of a backseat during the whole thing. honestly, i think he should step down but thats just me :p but in any case i might not have to stage a coup cuz i was talking to dolores so...guess we'll see how taht goes. too bad i have to go to a banquet with him :/ not my ideal situation so i'll have to see if i can sneak away and sit with the pharmacy people if theyre going. at least josue is the other officer...
hmmmm and yea i ate lots of chocolate :D

got to go to class :p

whats new and old--

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 05:18:55 GMT

old-- had organic chem test and will find out results today. had organic lab final today so from now on my wednesdays are shorter and no longer heavy as they once were. had family weekend which was fun since i just hung around in the shade but had the great urge to jump in the pool. managing ALD [thats an entirely....bleh-- i could rant about it later] and realizing i dont much care for how its going right cuz we're still working out some kinks now so hopefully it turns out better (and someone needs to be more self-sufficient-- -.-). and contrary to popular belief (not to anyone who reads this) i DONT have unlimited texting!
new-- new officer luncheon should be interesting. so happy for easter break and excited about chocolate and junk food :D

break time

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 02:50:09 GMT

before i have to study more dreaded organic chem! ughhhh ive decided not to become a chem major (not that i was required to haave a major anyway) went to advisement and i have a lot of sorting out to do, namely dealing with parental unit 1 :/ its not going to be pretty ::sigh:: i hope he doesnt make me stay here longer cuz that would suck. if things go according to plan i can just go straight into pharmacy school so...i pray that i get into a school by this time next year >.<
on to good/funny news, today was actually kinda fun and it started off really well. slept SO good last night ha. and in the fact that i laughed more but ended up being clumsy while hacking at a frog. i shouldve brought my camera, there were a whole bunch of crude jokes and we really tore up our froggie and i nicked myself with a dirty scalpel and now my wrist is kinda itchy... :/ and it has been determined that we are one messed up species. got everything backwards cuz seriously, in every other species, its always the female that is being pursued rather than the female doing the actual chasing. yea we're messed up. kinda reminded me of the topic of how you cant really find a lot of examples in which the girl changes a guy...in fact..you see a whole lot of ..er...wait..im just confusing myself.

arghhhh time to go study some more... >.<
oh and i got tickets to see dashboard confessional and ok go! XD